I hesitated in making this post, I suppose out of fear. Fear of what others may think or say. Fear of judgement. Fear of regret. My mom encouraged me that all of my posts have been raw and that is what makes them "so neat" as she says. So I'm posting. Sharing what God is doing in my life and getting a grip on reality. I told myself in the beginning that I was going to be as transparent as I possibly could be and with that comes a harsh reality- we are all broken. We all have our stuff. We all need the beautiful redemption of being made whole. I pray this post encourages you in knowing wherever you are, you are not alone. Undoubtedly, someone in your own town is struggling with something that you are wrestling through as well. Beyond that, you have a Heavenly Creator who longs to carry you through the desert and overwhelm you with His rest. Be blessed my friends.
June 1, 2012
Today was one of those days I just woke up feeling blue. "Why?" you may ask? Beats me. But that's what happens with bouts of depression. Floods of emotion that are irrational. Sometimes no emotion at all. Well, today I feel overcome with sadness. Sadness without despair. I suppose if I think about it, I woke up thinking I had nowhere to go, and no one to see and nothing to do and that made me feel sad. There was a time, only a few short weeks ago, when all of that sadness would be joined by guilt. Its strange how that works. I believe that's the enemy. He likes to see God's children throwing pity parties. He loves a "woe is me" event and likes to bring gifts: guilt, shame, regret, despair, hopelessness. He is such a good liar.
Anyway, it's just one of those days. It is one of those days where I feel lonely even though my children are around me. It is one of those days where I feel without purpose and like I have nothing to offer the world. One of those days that I would love to stuff my face in front of long movies while burying myself under blankets on the couch. One of those days where I wonder how a redeemed, forgiven, beloved child of God could ever feel this way. I hate these days. I loathe them. They are unproductive and disappointing and sad.
And yet, there is hope.
I make a choice. I choose to put on my big girl panties on and rebuke all of those lies the enemy wants me to believe. I choose to get dressed (not in pajamas) and bury myself in truth. I choose to move forward and call upon my Jesus to rescue me and love me through this day. I choose to love on my children and cling to the Word. I choose to pull out my teeny tiny fraction of a mustard seed that tells me that God will comfort me and strengthen me and give me life. That He is able to move this mountain and bury it beneath the sea. I choose to run into His fortress and let Him save me, (He's pretty good at it by the way). And I choose to share my struggle, what so often feels like a thorn in the flesh, to break free from it. I choose to share because I know that I am not the only girl who has this mile marker on her journey. I choose to share in an effort to cry out from the depths of my soul and expose the darkness. I choose to walk in the light. I cling to it. I cling so tightly in hopes and even faith that days like today will cease to exist for me.
The bible says that the truth will set you free. I realize there must be extremely deep theological explanations for that statement, but as a simpleton, I think that if I am honest about my mess it opens the door to freedom. I think if we are aware of the weight of the chains we are carrying around, the release will be that much more glorious. I am aware that the enemy tries to shackle us. He is on a mission to steal, kill, and destroy. I imagine he takes great satisfaction in wounded warriors, those who have let their light burn out or are weary from battle. I assume there are some that get so weary they choose to give up. I don't know about you, but I want to be the kind of warrior that is untouchable for the enemy, the kind that he doesn't even mess with anymore because he knows he will never win. I want to be faithful and fierce and immune to his attacks. I choose to believe that I can put on my armor, pull up my bootstraps and swing my heart out. I choose to submit myself to the authority of the Lord, claim His promises over my home, and I most certainly choose to fight.
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