I've always loved writing. I even thought about a degree in Journalism because I loved it so much. I've never been a verbally articulate person, one who could voice their thoughts appropriately...it seems like when I try to say something important it just comes out all jumbled. Writing just seems easier. When you write, you have the time to actually think about what you would like to say without people staring at you uncomfortably wishing you would just spit it out. And then there is always the delete button. So "why am I writing?" you might ask. For me. To write. I guess as an outlet of sorts. To flesh out all that swirls around in my head (which is alot!) so I don't have to stew over it any longer.
I find myself at a time in life that seems more difficult than ever. At a place of familiar, yet unfamiliar territory, figuring out who I really am and the difference between who my Jesus says I am and what I actually believe. Trying to find my way back to when I longed for him alone to be the holder and fulfiller of my dreams and I wasn't afraid to just be me. I have always been a people pleaser and longed for the approval of others. Not managed well, overtime, that can lead one into a place where they forget how to really thrive in their own existence, afraid of letting others down. I find myself in that place, really longing to be the woman God intended me to be and knowing who that woman is. This may be of no interest to anyone else, or you may be thinking, "that is something you needn't share" but in the words of Amy March in Little Women, "I'm exhaustified."
Perhaps you have walked through a similar time in your life so you can relate. I hope that in being transparent, really transparent, that God would see fit to use my journey to encourage someone else. I think we all long to know that we are not alone. Not in the sense of God never leaving or forsaking us, but that we are not alone in our struggles. In our mess. In the deep trenches that we dig for ourselves or on some occasions have been dug by others. I know we have a very real enemy who is crafty at whispering lies to us. He tells us to keep hidden our hurts, our struggles, that we should be ashamed of them and that no one would accept us if they really knew us. We allow ourselves to believe that we have to have it all together while never expecting that of anyone else. There are times in my life when I felt together and that was prideful, and untrue. This is not one of those times though. I am a mess. But life is messy. It is for all of us. However, there are promises that hold true in spite of our stuff, promises in Christ that He died to give to us. Promises that redefine the messiness in our lives. Promises that give us beauty in place of ashes and hope in place of despair. I am on a mission to really know these promises and proclaim them over my life. They are ours for the taking but we must choose to receive them, choose to believe them, and choose to walk in them.
The thing about the Christian life is that it is a life of faith. It is easy to acknowledge that it takes faith to accept the call to follow Christ, to believe that a man we have never seen, God in human form in fact, came to earth, died on a cross, and came back to life after three days- for us. That takes a leap of faith for anyone. I think what we often don't realize is the journey takes faith. Every day. Many of us can easily believe in heaven and are happy to do it, but faith is also required of us to experience the life God intended while we are on earth, on this side of the veil. Matthew 17:20 states the if we have faith like a grain of mustard seed, nothing will be impossible for us. A mustard seed? That seems so little. I wish I had the faith of thousands of mustard seeds, but the bible says one will do. It makes me realize that we have to really believe. So here I am crying out the Lord to "help my unbelief!" So join me on along the journey if you would as I seek out the promises that are ours in Christ and choose to believe they are meant for his children-they are meant for me.
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