Katie Elizabeth

Today is Katie Beth’s birthday.  It has been quite a journey.  Katie is my 4^th child (yes, you read that correctly).  When I found out that I was pregnant with her, it was probably the most inopportune time to have a baby.  Our family had just left a thriving ministry just two months earlier.  If you happen to be in church ministry, you can hopefully relate to having an experience where you feel a leading to move on…a strong, in your gut conviction that God has a next step in your journey.  Desiring to be obedient to the spirit’s leading in our lives, we left.  We weren’t exactly sure what the next step would be, but we had a little savings, and at the time, a whole lot of faith.  We set out from that town with our three oldest children on an experience that would forever change us.

The very month we found out that our family would be increasing in size, just so happened to be the exact month we would no longer have health insurance.  Coupled with no “full-time” income, and the awareness that we already had THREE children, we were overwhelmed to say the least.  There was an immediate threat of miscarriage in the early weeks of pregnancy, which began a process of the enemy continually planting seeds of fear in me. These deposits of doubt were met with a constant inner battle to walk in the Spirit and believe God is who He says. The next few months included three cross-country moves and the burning of a number of relational bridges.  It was not our intention or desire to see closure come to so many friendships, I honestly grieved them as a deep loss.  There were some wounds that I felt personally that would later prove to be moments of God’s using harm for good.  I had seasons where I felt significant isolation and to say it frankly, forgotten.  I felt emotionally injured by people who I had once greatly trusted.  Many conversations and prayers later allowed me to see that some of these deep cuts were committed unknowingly by others. In the end, the Lord brought healing and drew me closer to Him. 

God put some dearly loved friends along the way to stand by our side, even silently at times, and walk us through some of the darkest days of our lives.  Let me stop right there and say, our baby was born completely healthy and beautiful.  The darkness I am referring to is that of inner turmoil- confusion. It was a process of refinement.  I have never felt like I walked “through the fire” as I did the months during my pregnancy with Katie.  We were divinely placed in the middle of rural Missouri, population 1,600.  This was vastly different than our previous town of 60,000.  The nearest Wal-Mart was almost 60 miles away, Target, 90.  But, somewhere in the midst of the cows and the corn fields, I found a piece of myself.

 I began my very first year of homeschooling my twin daughters who were now big first graders.  I completely loved them being home with me all day and even began to do some preschool activities with my son.  As our savings rapidly dwindled, I was so grateful to be able to order an entire homeschool kit for each of my girls, and have enough left over to do craft projects and lots of baking. My husband was working as a sort of lumberjack at the time so he was close by and always home for lunch. The few months that we lived in Missouri were filled many tears, deep reflection, and spiritual revelation.  I have such a fondness and love for our friends there that patiently intervened in our lives when God directed them and gently abstained when He did the same.  I don’t know if you have many people in your life that you feel eternally bonded to, but these are those kinds of friends.

As the months passed, we found ourselves in a new state with new challenges.  We were only 45 minutes from New York City which was exciting to say the least.  We were walking distance from a Starbucks, Wal-Mart, and most thrilling to me, the hospital! Most parents understand the desire for a professional medical center and a trustworthy physician during a pregnancy.  Because we were in yet another new state and not yet residents, we were told it would be some time before our insurance paperwork could be processed.  My pregnancy was considered high-risk due to previous complications which caused me to feel pressure for regular check-ups all the more.   I have known many women who have a faith so deep that they truly do not worry through their pregnancies; they know that God created the life inside them and completely trust Him to tend to them and their child.  These women are motivated and driven by faith. I have always struggled with fear, particularly since I first became a mother, and this was no exception.  I could go on and on about the ups and downs of doctors and forms and dates, but in a nutshell: I met my doctor three weeks before Katie was born. 

Due to the previous complications that I mentioned earlier, all involved thought it wisest that Katie be delivered via scheduled caesarian.  We originally planned this for mid-March which was when she was due.  She was born January 31. 

The day Katie was born, my husband dropped me off at the hospital just to make sure we were on schedule, because I had been contracting for two days prior.  He dropped me off, I went upstairs to the high-risk neonatal unit, and she was born an hour later.  The doctor told me to call my husband to get back there quickly, this baby needed to be delivered immediately for not only her safety, but for mine as well.  Again, I was enveloped in fear.  Thankfully, the fear I felt was accompanied by the excitement of knowing that I was about to meet my daughter and see her sweet face.  As I was waiting for Jerry in the operating room, I saw a tray of what seemed like hundreds of scissors and scalpels and other shiny objects. While I was uneducated in regards to their function, the appearance alone was terrifying.  I was flooded with emotion and concern, and a sadness that neither of our parents would be sitting in the waiting room when we got out.  A nurse, whom I believe the Lord divinely placed specifically for my delivery, held me, prayed over me, and gave me a physical representation of my Heavenly Father.  It was beautiful. 

It seemed like an hour went by before I finally heard the most breathtaking sound I believe one can hear this side of eternity.  She cried.  My baby girl was out safely.  I was safe. We were okay. 

I was moved to recovery (after they stitched me up of course), and I was able to lie in a bed with heated blankets beside the very nurse who had been praying with me only minutes before.  The next few days were difficult as we were very far away from our parents and Jerry had to be at home caring for our three big kids.  They came to see me occasionally but only for short periods of time.  I spent a lot of time by myself with a beautiful miracle, a great big incision, and some more heartache.  I felt very lonely and scared for what was to come for our family.  I prayed and cried and slept. And then I would do it all over again while looking at this physical expression of God’s faithfulness.  He kept showing me how in all of my fear, all my worry, all my doubt, He never stopped caring.  He never left me, He never failed me, He never ceased to proclaim His provision over our lives.

When Katie Beth was finally discharged, her little premie clothes swallowed her whole.  We had three outfits, four blankets, and a pack-and-play.  We had given away most of the belongings from our oldest children and the few items we did have were in storage in another state.  My sister-in-law had a basket waiting for us when we got home with bottles and all of the necessary toiletry items.  It was divine. 

My mom and only sister were able to get flights out for the next week so we had something else to look forward to and a great deal of comfort, even if it was temporary.  Our final months up north were quiet and still, full of unanswered questions, and God’s great big lessons. 

When the time was right-when we were ready, the Lord finally allowed our family to re-enter full-time church ministry.  More than a year had passed since this crazy part of our lives had begun.  We loaded up our mini-van with our four children, as many of our belongings as we could carry, and a deeper outlook on life. Our new church home was nothing like we had ever experienced but EVERYTHING we had dreamt of for years before.  As the months passed, we began to feel like our new “small town” was home.  Our church family has demonstrated love to us in ways we have never before known outside of our biological families and closest friends.

I can look back over our journey-the season of pregnancy, multiple moves, and minimum wage jobs-and see God’s sovereign grace.  He is so good. His faithfulness is never ending. He was for us all along and had life in mind always.  He gave us life in our sweet Katie Beth, and he gave us life as His children.  He walked us down some dark roads and exposed some areas in us that desperately needed to be extracted.  He showed us what it truly means to believe His promises, and what it means to be His children.

The name Katie is derived from Katherine which means “pure.” We gave her the middle name “Elizabeth” meaning “God fulfills His promises.”  We have always believed firmly in the biblical significance of a child’s name as a prayer and defining promise over their life.  We could think of nothing more fitting. We call her “Katie Beth” for short because we think that it’s adorable. She’s adorable.  And she is a walking manifestation of the faithfulness of our God-the God who met us in the middle of the corn fields, who works everything for our good.